Out of Darkness

No one but my wife Teresa knew that for the past five or more years, I have been in a very dark place. God bless that woman for her faith, faithfulness, and patience! She will not stop praying for me! She is what every godly wife ought to be, and I am blessed to have her help, friendship, and the love of my life.

It is only recently that I have come out of the darkness to be refreshed by The Word of God and know the presence of The Holy Spirit moment to moment. I cried from the dark and God answered me…again. He came to my rescue even though what I was going through may have been the discipline of the Lord to secure my faith and character.

Yes, God our Father does discipline us, and we cry “Abba, Father.” “Abba” is the same as saying “Daddy.”

Hebrews 12:5-6 “And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.”

By that discipline (punishment) we know we are loved and accepted.  It is for our good and His glory.

I assume that what I have been through most people would call depression. My take on my own “depression” is that it is nothing more than feeling sorry for myself. It sprouts from envy. Basically, I tend to measure myself against others who appear successful, or have whatever I had hoped to have but was not able to achieve, or acquire whatever for one reason or another. Envy causes anger and resentment because pride is not validated by whatever, or whomever.

We… I, I should say, desire the accolades of others and when (we) I don’t get that, or get cut down by another person’s opinion, (we) I start feeling sorry for myself. The end result is resenting God because of not having what I want… right now. That, sadly and embarrassingly, is the way of Satan.

The downfall of the accuser started with pride and envy, and now he is angry at God and takes it out on God’s people…  because– he can’t do anything to God. Of course, that makes him all the more angry and resentful. He is a liar, and because of our pride and  envy we tend to believe the lies. At least I know that to be true of myself, and only assume it is that way for everyone.

I never believed that I could be, or was, good enough for anyone or at anything. I have no idea why that is or where it came from. Whatever the root and reason, I blame no one but myself. I am the one who is responsible for my choices, mistakes, and sins, and I am the one who will stand before The Lord and account for them all. Thank God for the blood of Jesus Christ! His grace is sufficient for even the likes of me.

Anyhow, I poured my heart out to the Lord, and confessed all of my fear and frustration. I asked a lot of questions, and by the end of the day The Lord gave me a very defined answer through events that resonated this incredible harmony in my spirit. I can’t really explain it.  More than that, The Lord counseled me from His Word:

Prov. 14:30 “A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.” and Psalm 73.

Since that day, I have been determined to open the day with thanksgiving and praise and The Word of God. My attitude has had an extreme shift, I tend to realize joy and peace even in troubling moments. I am settled in the thought that if The Holy Spirit is with me then others will effected by Him one way or another. Either way I will praise Him, and give thanks from a heart of gratitude. And, as an aside, I seem to be improving my music skills, and relationships with others.

Even so, all of that is for The Lord. He is the one who took me out of my darkness into the light of His countenance.

Trust Him, go to Him, be at peace.